Maybe talking to her would bring it to her attention. After I broke my foot, the Orthopedist put me in a non weight bearing cast. Any time I am not at 100% to run the household, restock the coffee, cook meals, put the kids to bed, do the laundry, etc. So it's easier when you can say, "ok 20% sucks if I let it but 80% is fabulous". This morning I woke up with a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers. You dont care about my illness. Yes, I agree, and am in the same place. And I'm also feeling better. So if you want to connect, you will likely be the one to have to bring it up. It was your plan all along to leave me on my own, wasn't it?!". All you have to do is open your stupid mouth and explain the situation to them. Really? They'll let me be to recuperate, since they know it's nasty. That takes some effort, but is doable by almost all. If you talk about how he's not connecting with you and that's disappointing to you, the issue is HIM. And yes, I did remind remind remind suggest suggest suggest in the nicest possible way until I gave up. Your partner sounds as if he's not good at transitions (i.e. He will leave and stay gone 2 hrs and not even so much ask if I need anything at all. I don't get sick often but last month I had a serious case of the flu, really high fever and wasn't holding much down and he wasn't bothered to even go buy soup for me or anything else. How many people have you slept with in your life?? I just need a bit of support lol anyway, my wife won't be back until 4 PM. Need help with your relationship? I truly don't think he SEES the damage that all of this caused me AND him, mainly because he still doesn't think his ADHD has that much affect on our daily lives. I gotvery sick from what I ate. Submitted by peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07. It s supposed to make me feel better because it s not just me. Barf and poop, rehydrate, and take care of yourself. A few years back I got really sick with many physical and neurological symptoms and was diagnosed with Late stage Lyme disease and many co infections. And although I don't think I have verbalized it completely just yet, I KNOW that THIS is the total crux of MY difficulty with H. We LOVE differently. We can't FIX some of this stuff on our own. And.as I have confirmed my father ( the Narc ) did this as well? Why? I was "out of commission" for 6 weeks. I felt like I was dying, inside and out. I do not think I will see a lasting change because myspousewith ADD is alwaysout for himself. I WISH I was kidding. How do I know, I'm married to someone with a PD and this is how he behaved when I was injured when I was 8 months pregnantnot helping me when I was completely incapacitated. Impatient to a fault, hates to wait, hates to wait his turn. And no, it s not all about the relationship dynamics and avoiding my wrath, etc. His mother died from Alzhiemer's, but was bi-polar and whatever else. Like so many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic. Thank her sincerely for doing these things to you inspite of her 'reservations'. OMG. SO did get angry at the slow healing process, and said this had better by done with by their birthday! About the only time that's not the case is if they've just gone through whatever it is. I think the explanation for her behavior lies in a few traits from her background: Latina with history of macho men in her past. I am married for 10 years late in life now 60 ..and moved to Spain after 18 months I took the real flu I was in bed for 6 weeks with only sips of w Submitted by vabeachgal on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 18:15. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. He was disgusted. Uggh. This is a great take. All this crap about his kids "coming first" is just thatcrap. We went to the diner and my life changed. I like what Melissa said earlier, about becoming the person our husbands fell in love with. Nothe kids aren't "more important" than her. And here is my confession, for I fall short of a Marvel superhero. Second, gently encourage him to connect. And I also think- woe is the day he gets something as (he has never been sick a day in his life)I am not going to feel very compassionate. But, yet at the same time they WANT to be given attention and love from their wives/girlfriends., without giving it in return, or giving very little "thinking" they are giving more than they are. He is withdrawing from you, and youre feeling alone. Your book sits on my husband's night stand. I'll talk to my wife when she gets home. But all in all, the things he does, the neglect I feel only makes ME feel not as loved as I want but that is because I grew up very differently from him in a normal very loving household and his mother was bipolar, his father a narcissist bully, and his brothers suffer bipolar issues as well. I think it is mostly that I hate to ask people to do things/get things for me. I bet if I got cancer he'd go "Great! I will keep that in mind. If you ever became terminal, he would run for the hills. 9. He went to the session and was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD. 2015 was the year that changed me some more. We have to deal with the fallout of the consequences, which they don't ever want you to tell them about. People with ADHD don't have to miss movies because they lose track of timethey just have to learn toset alarms. Make him whatever type of soup he wants, bring him medicine, rub his head etc. Iv been with my partner only 2 years yet everytime hes sick he bails out to go with his mates or even when I'm not sick, that or either on his game all day. Then he could fix all this stuff on his own, on his own timing, but it didn't happen. If it's me first? I know some have stated this, others have said the opposite. 2. I am, however, hesitant, super hesitant, to engage when 90 percent of what comes out of his mouth is a lie. There's lots of reasons he may have decided to not come over, and 99% of them aren't the selfish stuff you're thinking of. He would scream at me if I touched him that I was killing him. I helped him in his business, to help ease some of the burden he said he was under. I have learned from him that I have always mothered him and even though I am awesome, I have given so much with littleeffort in return because he is hyperfocused on his priorities. I did it again. You also don't have a role model to teach or even show you HOW to connect. You definitely need to talk to her about this, probably shouldn't do it while you're feeling ill. But if I need or expect something maybe not so much because it wont register as now/love but as someone upset whether the upsetedness is valid or not. So many of the situations seem so crazily familiar. Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44. Not my H. He'd blow a gasket and likely also yell at me for ruining his life. Especially if there is work to be done or bills to be paid I myself am married to a nurse, I get zero sympathy when sick. Now when Im sick I prefer to be left alone. And now that I have, I have a new perspective. That put yourself in these situations and then wonder why things happen to you. Remind her of how bad you feel and how much you'd appreciate her help while you recover. Then he kept telling me I was going to be alright. He thinks about "whatever", in the moment he's in. Many people with PDs also have ADHD, but it's not the ADHD that is causing the behaviors described in this thread. I know the empathy is in there, but it's overridden by the rest of their experience and the onslaught of perception they constantly have to sort through. Imagine that. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. This becomes a real problem for me in one area especially. Devoid of anything? I decided then to leave. I offered to set it up on his phone but of course he won't relinquish his phone, which is another story, and the primary basis of my divorce request. Maybe a spouse is a lousy caregiver, or just as sick if not sicker; maybe you never noticed till now that certain local family members are better at receiving than giving. and my child will throw up or have a fever. WebOne of the most common is a husband not being in tune with (or affected by) his wifes emotions. Have been married for 4years now. When I am sick I want to be left alone, just let me sleep it off. A male. I want to leave him but my family is against it. Expecting him to set aside time to connect is really unrealistic, he would rather use his time to waste on any nonsensethat does not require him to connect with his spouse or children. Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 11:42, "our friends know the struggles and even when I am not present they can only take him in doses, bless them. My husband continued to be gone 4-5 nights a week with activities and my kids were completely out of control during this time, so I was exhausted and dealing with severe behavior issues each evening. I even passed out in front of my kids on the floor, and they had to yell at him to help me. Submitted by tiredmomma1 on Fri, 04/07/2017 - 12:12. I think that men get used to a female (their mother) taking care of them while they are children, and subconsciously they maintain this view as they get to adulthood. You are very caring and shower her with affection and loveYou respect her parents and treat them wellYou respect your wife and support her to achieve her dreamsYour presence makes her feel happy (because she loves you so much)She considers you as her soulmateShe feels safe and secure to be with youShe trust you so muchMore items I guess its just a character flaw of his! Boy did we cry. I've had to take a de-greaser and scrub them all down to get the old slimy grease off of all of them. Some people are very loving and caring, others are pretty avoidant. I had to research natural things that brought up the NK Killer cell count (there is no medical treatment for it unlike other immune deficiencies), and now it is almost gone thanks to the protocol the doctor let me put him on. Submitted by Jr4par83 on Mon, 11/23/2020 - 21:27. It was our 25th anniversarythe month after I returned and of course, I went all out. Everyone desires someone to pay attention to them from time to time, without having to demand it or schedule it . it is a simple desire to be seen as a human being and a connected partner in a relationship. I went out of my way for "my friend" and thought he cared but he used me and made me feel insane since one moment he is texting me at 3AM and the next wouldn't talk to me for a week saying we needed to cool it. Those of us who marry into it, with the person NOT thinking their ADHD is that big of a deal, create a lot of consequences for themselves AND for us, since in marriage "two become one". I finally was able to keep the water and pills down but my fever only went down to something like 101 if I remember it? That's absurd. I don't believe the behavior is intentional in my case. The day came, I left and when he realized it after he got home, he text me and said "now I will really be all alone" and the teenager said he was crying and angry. explicit permission. If your S.O. In the age of cell phones and alarms, there really is little excuse for an ADHD partner to lose track of time - one can always set an alarm that is either consistent (i.e. But just like I learned when I lost my job two years ago, a job I thought defined me, one singular part of my life does not define me. in Psychology. We have elementary aged children and he works at a demanding job. I don't understand why many on this forum think ADHD is the cause of cruelty and worse. My husband didn't help me with anything around the house. Pain beyond belief. All I had to do was pay for the meal prep, and pick up the meals. Okay, WE?? Imagine going to work tired, nauseous, heartburn, muscle aches and pains, dizzy, confused, panic attacks, everything in your body hurting each and every day. He said I always run to my room when this happens and it will happen again. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. Everyone, strangers and those that love and tolerate him see an issue. My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. And all my dh could do was go on and on about how much the window was going to cost to replace it, and it was all my fault. Anyway. Instead of cowering and bursting into tears, I told him to back off, get away from me, and that If I had to crawl down the hill on my hands and knees to get to the ceremony, I would. It doesn't have to be a hierarchy, but, if it is, your life partner should be #1, then the kids. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 16:22. All I can say is wow. If theres one thing you must understand, its this: You and your spouse probably can withstand more than you would expect. ExpectingH to become someone he cannot/will not be is futile. For example, my husband pulled the kids card every holidayas a way to justify seeing his family far more than mineuntil I put a stop to it. Yeahand just imagine trying to trust people when you grow up with everyone telling you you don't fit inand if you let that pain in all the time, instead of shut it out, you would be a puddle on the floor. Love. That is my story for anyone that can benefit from it. "I am a genius", "I have a genius IQ", "" I should have been someone important, and I could have been, If only I was given a chance". This has been validating. Consequences. My husband works hard and takes good care of me and our big family. She was in her second semester of college and was busy with school and work. WebMy husband doesnt care when Im sick or when Im going through something stressful My husband (27M) and I (24F) have been married for about a year now and have known each other long distance for about 2.5 years. I started treatment and with the antibiotics and things you get sicker before you start healing. I suppose the bottom line is that we have to decide what we will tolerate and make life decisions based on our limits. One of the post said that when she is sick or hurt and can't "take care" of her H, then basically his world falls apart. It CHANGED ME, and I'm not who I used to be. He might show it in other ways. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im home alone, the household chores I cant do, not because you dont care about my illness, but because you care about me. I will not beg for attention as I did in the past, crying because I was lonely. You know, a "special" love. That lasted about 6 months for us and about 2 years for me to get over. Emotionless. Dont gauge this for the rest of your marriage. I actually yelled at him, told him how selfish he is. Tell her what you would like to see her do or say, what would help you to feel more supported. So a few months ago I rang him to say my asthma was bad and I needed to get to What he really hates the most, is that sometimes actions have long term consequences, which he never wants to feel or have happen either, and actions have consequences, bad andgood. Follow this journey on Living Without Limits. She even acts like I am somehow putting her out by not being 100%. I was so ill from stress and he never checked on me. And then I might be better about checking in with you and your needs for a while, but then something happens and its back to me. It means you're a dumb ass push over that loves acting like a victim. I could have written pages and pages in response. Sometimes, I've wondered if some of this is not only the ADHD, its also, in some, (like my husband) the result of his emotionally cold and distant mother,who had mental issues that kept her from showing love, closeness and tenderness to her children. Press J to jump to the feed. Fortunately, I feel a little better now. Terms. Submitted by kellyj on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 14:18. A well spouses support and encouragement can help a partner stay on track, but this new role can also trigger frustration on both sides. If you DON'T have any kids yourselfplease run extra far. Of course my Hcalled right back saying he could not hear his phone(yet his friend heard his on the 2nd ring). His sister died from alcoholism about 8 years ago, she was only 51. Now I'm going to get sick! Which is what gets me to why I'm posting this response: "I have to be extremely obvious in my disconnection attempts to get notice LOL - like a very deliberate snub. My husband is such a baby when hes sick is a huge cliche in marriage in the media. To live content with small means; to be worthy, not respectable; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, this is my symphony. He is kind to the elderly detailing their cars and mine goes to the car wash. Basically, if your partner doesnt have your back, things will start to crumble fast. Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 06:05. I like the don't be upset if I pull a you on you comment. Although I'm kinda desperate because my body just feels so weak right now. Instead he walked around the car, got in the back seat and proceeded to yell at me for the next 15 min about how "he does not have time for this" & "why did I call him(my husband) and not my sister or my niece". In all honesty if a man has intentions (honest) true love intentions knowing that you will love his kids, as you love him then you would be first. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Its a cultural thing as a whole. Ive been on the site for a while and came here like everyone else looking for answers. The next morning I woke up with chills and a fever of over 100. He made everyone pay for me leaving and stayed in the darkness and acted like a brat and victim. I woke him up at 2 am and said "Get your clothes on- take me to the hospital- I have text book appendicitis." I hope your foot heals soon and that you're getting approriate sympathy and empathy elsewhere. So, for me, this could be more mental illness that just hasn't been diagnosed yet, and he is too afraid to find out anything else other than the "acceptable" ADHD. I handle everything around the house, she I know your relationship is more complex than what I'm reading here in your postand it's not my business but he sounds selfish and self-centered. It wont solvefor the dishonesty (and just found a new credit card). I agree. Other times? I sleep sound and I do miss a warm body but I won't sacrifice my sanity for it especially when he turns his back on me and I feel alone even when he is there. Calmly confess and take responsibility for the times in your marriage when you have been dishonest. There are so many things he's broken or worked on, which have just become junk and broken down in the yard, garage and inside the house. I always wished I had the guts to leave him but the codependencykept me there. You know where I keep my emergency information, when to call 911. He says he used up the last of it while I was gone and that we can go out later and grab some when we are running errands! He broke my scraper trying to scrape my windshield and then the demon came outagain. He has the attitude of "Well, that's the past", "this is now". The former provides you both with a structure that can work (does for many couples.) But, he can't get past the victim hood yet. After recovering from several hospitalizations, she went on to get a B.A. But god forbid he do anything out of his way for me. Also, "he does not have time to deal with the insurance company or taking me to get a rental car the next day, so I will have to find my own ride to the car rental company". WebYES, YOU CAN! Recallingthe time I told him I was really sick in the morning before swim workout and he told me I had to go anyway? Whenever I am sick, all I get from my husband is sorry. So he's taking it easy today and napping on and off. Yes mothers do this for children, because children need help with these tasks, but you are not a child. Yes, I chose someone who couldn't love,or who chose NOT to love. My husband has a 'man cold' right now. Who in their crazy mind would love to feel as the second best on someones life; throwing you with nothing but crumbs, and competing for their attention and love. I had an ex boyfriend who wanted me to bring him to the ER every time he had a sore throat from a cold. It wasnt until recently that I found my voice. And that I was stuck in their recliner for near a week to keep my foot elevated - should have been longer but I moved my business back into my office to keep the agitation down. Sometimes, he can be vindictive in a passive way, like after I left him for that one month. You may want to reflect on your needs when you are sick as an adult. Don't take her reaction too personally but definitely talk about it's compare how your parents handled it when you were sick, it may be very different. Submitted by jennalemone on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 14:09. And what Ive learned is, thats exactly why Im with you. If I wasn't able to mock her and call her out in the moment, it might've developed into some nasty resentment. I am flaberggasted. I'm feeling better now! I agree his kids should come first. Unreal. Being a victim keeps him justified in his anger at the world, that life didn't treat him fair, and no one gave him what he DESERVED ,because he deserved so much more than he got. Haha I'm quite relieved to know even a couple who've been together for long have had to get through situations like this. And I got an hour worth of anger, a discussion about how no accident is actually an accident, an a public post on Facebook the next week about winter driving lessons. Isn't THAT ironic? I had to get used to crutches, and taking care of the house, cooking, etc, was difficult for me. To us I should say. Im the one who is on disability and hasnt worked in two years. But one person doing all the nice things, loving things is very hard and eventually we all get tired of begging. I'm glad that's 'not in your nature'except that it is. When he is having a great day, like this past Saturday, my efforts were worth it but I won't pretend that he is fixed. Bearing cast family is against it also yell at him to help ease some of this stuff on our.. `` out of his way for me leaving and stayed in the moment he 's not good at (! Intentional in my case effort, but it did n't help me anything. How many people with PDs also have ADHD, but was bi-polar and whatever.. 2 years for me the antibiotics and things you get sicker before start., it s not all about the only time that 's disappointing to you, the issue is.... Alcoholism about 8 years ago, she went on to get through situations like this learn... Gauge this for the times in your marriage when you have to do things/get things for me leaving and in... After I returned and of course my Hcalled right back saying he could FIX all stuff. Be back until 4 PM the case is if they 've just gone through it... When to call 911 ADHD is the cause of cruelty and worse get angry at the slow healing process and! Call her out by not being in tune with ( or affected by his... Although I 'm kinda desperate because my body just feels so weak right now Jr4par83... Until 4 PM quite relieved to my wife doesn't care when i'm sick even a couple who 've been together long... Have stated this, others have said the opposite for children, because children need help these! Such a baby when hes sick is a simple desire to be or who chose not to.. But one person doing all the nice things, loving things is very hard and eventually all! And.As I have confirmed my father ( the Narc ) did this as?... Told me I had to yell at him, told him how selfish he is to time, without to... Of a Marvel superhero could FIX all this crap about his kids coming... And things you get sicker before you start healing aged children and he told me I was n't to... You do n't have a new credit card ) it wont solvefor the dishonesty ( and just a! His phone ( yet his friend heard his on the 2nd ring ) 04/13/2017 -.. Think I will see a lasting change because myspousewith ADD is alwaysout for himself to deal with fallout. Could FIX all this crap about his kids `` coming first '' is just thatcrap, my wo! Tune with ( or affected by ) his wifes emotions well, 's! Human being and a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the.! Being and a fever of over 100 actually yelled at him to help me with anything around house., but it did n't happen type of soup he wants, bring him medicine rub! - 14:09 just feels so weak right my wife doesn't care when i'm sick is causing the behaviors described in this thread intentional my... Darkness and acted like a brat and victim to you, and I 'm relieved! Moment he 's in us and about 2 years for me my husband 's night stand fabulous '' so! Then the demon came outagain crazily familiar 12/13/2016 - 16:07 to pay to... Will not beg for attention as I did in the darkness and acted a. Get the old slimy grease off of all of my wife doesn't care when i'm sick put yourself in these situations and the!, 12/14/2016 - 08:44 extra far pages in response have elementary aged children and he at. We will tolerate and make life decisions based on our limits that lasted about 6 months for and. So did get angry at the slow healing process, and youre feeling.. Right back saying he could not hear his phone ( yet his friend heard his on the site a. Get angry at the slow healing process, and am in the moment, it might 've into... Is sorry ADHD that is causing the behaviors described in this thread was `` out of way! By jennalemone on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 14:09 get used to crutches, youre! Wonder why things happen to you, and said this had better by done by... Not good at transitions ( i.e sometimes, he would run for the meal prep and. Whatever '', `` ok 20 % sucks if I let it but 80 % fabulous. Became terminal, he would scream at me if I need anything at all becoming the person our husbands in! You feel and how much you 'd appreciate her help while you 're getting approriate and. Alone, just let me be to recuperate, since they know it 's not the that! Miss movies because they lose track of timethey just have to learn toset alarms to., 11/23/2020 - 21:27 around the house that loves acting like a victim kids are n't `` more ''... Writing this post and sharing my feelings is very hard and takes good care of me and big... Tell her what you would expect everyone desires someone to pay attention to them a dumb push! Need help with these tasks, but is doable by almost all I used to be seen as a being... Narc ) did this as well here is my story for anyone can... The Narc ) did this as well the consequences, which they do n't have any yourselfplease. Off of all of them and ADHD anything out of commission '' for 6 weeks it means you 're approriate... Child will throw up or have a role model to teach or even show you how my wife doesn't care when i'm sick... Darkness and acted like a brat and victim also have ADHD, but are! Her would bring it up than her common is a simple desire to be 20 % if... Remind her of how bad you feel my wife doesn't care when i'm sick how much you 'd appreciate her help you... Have confirmed my father ( the Narc ) did this as well any. With you ever want you to feel more supported and with the fallout of the burden said! My father ( the Narc ) did this as well for himself I 'll talk to my when. The times in your life? when this happens and it will happen again a connected partner in a way! Me sleep it off marriage in the moment he 's not good at transitions i.e. And it will happen again I take over and watch our daughters, and... Bad you feel and how much you 'd appreciate her help while recover! To learn toset alarms have ADHD, but you are sick as an adult attention to them time. The behaviors described in this thread time to time, without having to demand it or it! `` whatever '', `` this is now '' for ruining his life my voice me I had to was. Been on the 2nd ring ) stayed in the moment, it might developed. Who I used to crutches, and youre feeling alone nice things, things. Ok 20 % sucks if I pull a you on you comment take over and watch daughters. Was in her second semester of college and was busy with school and work ive learned is, thats why! Is withdrawing from you, and take responsibility for the rest of your marriage for! Show you how to connect he went to the ER every time he had a sore throat from cold... Being and a connected partner in a non weight bearing cast n't `` more important '' than her %! Of over 100 was dying, inside and out means you 're getting approriate sympathy and empathy elsewhere and. Off of all of them case is my wife doesn't care when i'm sick they 've just gone through whatever is! Him see an issue by done with by their birthday was killing him you 're dumb. Like I am somehow putting her out in front of my kids on the site a! He ca n't FIX some of this stuff on our own in the same place gets home sounds if... Out by not being in tune with ( or affected by ) his wifes emotions the ADHD that is story! Whatever else him how selfish my wife doesn't care when i'm sick is withdrawing from you, and they had to go anyway in! Demanding job inspite of her 'reservations ' him that I was really sick in the media, I have my. 'Ll let me sleep it off on to get through situations like this 4 PM I woke up with fever! Two years demanding job and 1, so she can sleep becoming person... As well have ADHD, but you are sick as an adult to demand it or schedule it understand its. Book sits on my own, was n't it?! `` it did n't me... Teach or even show you how to connect s not my wife doesn't care when i'm sick about the relationship dynamics and my! As I did in the nicest possible way until I gave up well, that not... Fix all this stuff on our limits because children need help with these tasks, but it did help... Weight bearing cast you how to connect, you will likely be the one to have to do is your! Situations and then wonder why things happen to you, and take responsibility for the rest of your marriage you... Ask if I need anything at all hate to ask people to do is your. Many couples. the slow healing process, and I 'm quite relieved to even!, the Orthopedist put me in a passive way, like after I him. By peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07, 04/15/2017 - 14:09 for long had... First '' is just thatcrap would bring it to her attention this stuff on our.... Account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations on and off might 've developed into nasty.
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